401

First post in the year. Well, not really, I'd rather say first published post in the year. According to Blogger, I've written 400 posts, though not all of them have (fortunately) been published. Wow, surely I go progressively insane as time goes by, huh?

I wish I wrote much better, and also wish I wrote interesting things, but, you see, it's just me.

So here I go:

2011 starts with the Selfish having a new job. Yeah, I'm a professional translator and it's time to put my skills to the test. I feel great because these people trust me and are really interested in what I can do. My boss says I can achieve a lot, that it's just a matter of time to take my potential out. Unfortunately, it hasn't been possible for me to start working there. As the year is just dawning, they still have things to arrange, so I'll have to wait a bit more. Hehehe, but the job is mine, no doubt about it. You know, it has taken a lot of effort to reach this point, and it's only the beginning of a long journey to the top. I'm scared, but I know I can do it, just wait and see.

I've been thinking a lot about last year and how much I've changed since then. I don't think I'm stronger, but, perhaps, I'm less naive. Yes, I miss him, and haven't spent a single day without missing him, but, of course, nothing can be done about it. And no, it's not a matter of pride, it's respect, just like that. I said I would not look for him, I said he was the one to decide, I said I would leave him alone. That's what I've carefully done all through this time. There are some factors that make it impossible to break all bonds, but I don't feel guilty because I'm being honest, and, in any case, I'm not looking after him anymore, this is none of his business, and I'm just trying to follow my heart wherever it may lead me.

Dahhh, if only I could be the same old me again. For a long time I didn't care that much about people, about personal life. Books and library, that was the rule. Academic writing, that was the priority. Men, well, they were the best amusement in the world... Only fun. Ahhh, but suddenly I went mad about one and only one, too bad for me... Because he was the wrong one.

And now what? I wonder once and again if I'm ready, if I'm completely fine, if I've got rid of it all or if I'm still under the influence. I don't really know. Above all, right now I'm confronted with the idea and don't know what to do. I don't want to feel anything, but I'm confused. Many things happening at the same time, mmm, too much for me.

Last year I wrote about the selfishfly effect (sorry if you missed those posts, hahaha) and right there emerged this question: and what if I did this thing and not the other? Well, now it's clear, at that time my choice brought nothing but more problems, while it seems that if I had chosen the other option, things could have started working fine for me. Tonight the situation is too similar to be true; the pieces of the game have changed places, but it's like a second chance. Then... Should I try?

I'm hesitant, and that's not good. Perhaps the problem with me is that I can't stand the thought of making the same mistake. I'm reluctant to let myself go, denying the possibility of misunderstanding things, almost rejecting what may be.

Ok, let's suppose there's a good reason for this to be happening --no, I don't know what to think and what to do. 

Anyway, there's not much time to think about it. I have to make a decision once and for all. Uffff, sure, a sleepless night... I hope it's not followed by many other nights of the sort. Gosh, like I said before, I'm a walking irony.