Flowing

Last year I spent a lot of time thinking, trying to find out when enough really means enough. I could see no end to all that trouble. I wanted to get out of it, but it seemed impossible. Little by little I walked back towards myself and something changed. No, something shattered.

Today it's been six months... And now I understand what enough means. I keep no hopes and no expectations because I'm not interested anymore. I've run out of concern. I'm peaceful and he is not allowed to take that from me.

Six months ago:

I apologized until I got exhausted, although I didn't quite know why I should be so sorry.

I said I could wait forever. No, I'm not willing to do that.

I said I would not claim for any explanations. No, of course I deserve explanations.

I said I was regretful for having misundertood him. No, it was not a misunderstanding, he did what he did, he said what he said, he hurt me and knew it all the time. I wanted to believe I was wrong so I could protect him, make him feel fine, but didn't notice such behaviour was harmful for myself.

I lost control and took all the blame. Yes, it's true, I lost control, but the blame was not mine alone. He helped all the way to increase confusion and disaster, but pretended nothing was going on.

He sank me into sorrow, but I forced myself to think it was nobody's fault but my own if I was drowning. He led me to lose my pride, to feel I was not good enough, to think I was a bad person, but that's not true.

All this time I tried to imagine the future. I tried to picture the next time. I tried to believe we could still be friends someday... No, we can't. I disagree with those who follow the pattern of getting rid of people instead of solving problems. We people, are not trash or toys. I've realized I don't know how to hate people; I can hate certain things, certain attitudes, but not people, that's not for me. So, I don't hate him, but I don't want him near me, why should I? Then, we could say it's better he has not and certainly will not come back to me.

Today I'm writing about this because it's half a year and I'm doing fine. I can see the contrast. Six months ago I could not stop crying, but these days I haven't stop smiling and laughing. With my friends it was all about support, but now it's all about new projects, ways to improve. My life was miserable, I was all of a loser (or at least I seemed so), but now I've regained creative force, I can admit and laugh at the mistakes I made last year, I'm not blind anymore, and I've finally seen it as a fact: I spent my time trying to find complexity where there was nothing but plainness, and no, I can't understand plainness. 

Ari told me something, "please, why don't you stop thinking life and trying to understand it... Just live more." Haha, I can't stop being who I am, he knows well I'm his analytic girl, but I guess I'm starting to let myself go, and I like this sensation of not being dependent of what somebody else expects from me, of not placing someboy else's feelings above my own. I'm just flowing :)