Unstoppable Selfish Changes
I know, I said I didn't want to be Brueghel's Icarus anymore... I failed. I also said I wanted to sail on the ship... last night the boarding ticket flew away.
And I came back to the blog with a certain amount of self-confidence... I've lost it, but I cannot disappear once again because that would be absurd. I guess I've had too much with these weeks unpublished posts on Selfishenough.
Last Friday, Dave asked something I didn't quite know how to answer. I thought a bit about something that should come out like in an impulse, something I shouldn't be thinking about at all. I wasn't even sure if I was answering the thing in itself. I hesitated. And the doubt, I guess, was linked to time, to discomfort, to the need of being the one I used to know once again. However, in the answer I treasoned myself.
Today I have the unthought answer and it's even worse because it all explains itself, I don't need to find the words... It's as PF would say... "I think that if you touched me a spring would burst out like on some musty old couch."
The other day a friend of mine and I were talking about fears. We agreed that one of the worst fears was the possibility of erasing oneself. I guess that's why I fought to keep everything to myself only. I knew that acceptance was not good. Yes, that's the point, I've erased myself. And yes, that was the greatest fear, but it doesn't matter right now because it's done. That's bad, don't you think? I was aware of the fear but didn't notice it was actually happening. It was not a metamorphosis, it was erasure. Oh, yes, I can redraw myself again, but... What about the shades? I don't think I can reflect an amazing shine because I've never known how to do it. If anybody's seen a spark coming out from this Selfish, sure, it's been a natural happening, I don't know how to fake or force who I am.
*Friends are surprised of who I am now... or are they surprised of who I am not now??? Mmm, I'm getting used to the "you (whatever) what?!"
*I'm still blushing :S
*Gosh, life is playing tricks on me... Grrr, stupid life, why won't you let me be there so I can make a final decision!!
And I came back to the blog with a certain amount of self-confidence... I've lost it, but I cannot disappear once again because that would be absurd. I guess I've had too much with these weeks unpublished posts on Selfishenough.
Last Friday, Dave asked something I didn't quite know how to answer. I thought a bit about something that should come out like in an impulse, something I shouldn't be thinking about at all. I wasn't even sure if I was answering the thing in itself. I hesitated. And the doubt, I guess, was linked to time, to discomfort, to the need of being the one I used to know once again. However, in the answer I treasoned myself.
Today I have the unthought answer and it's even worse because it all explains itself, I don't need to find the words... It's as PF would say... "I think that if you touched me a spring would burst out like on some musty old couch."
The other day a friend of mine and I were talking about fears. We agreed that one of the worst fears was the possibility of erasing oneself. I guess that's why I fought to keep everything to myself only. I knew that acceptance was not good. Yes, that's the point, I've erased myself. And yes, that was the greatest fear, but it doesn't matter right now because it's done. That's bad, don't you think? I was aware of the fear but didn't notice it was actually happening. It was not a metamorphosis, it was erasure. Oh, yes, I can redraw myself again, but... What about the shades? I don't think I can reflect an amazing shine because I've never known how to do it. If anybody's seen a spark coming out from this Selfish, sure, it's been a natural happening, I don't know how to fake or force who I am.
*Friends are surprised of who I am now... or are they surprised of who I am not now??? Mmm, I'm getting used to the "you (whatever) what?!"
*I'm still blushing :S
*A message from the Selfish to the Selfish:
Just face it... once and for all :S
*Gosh, life is playing tricks on me... Grrr, stupid life, why won't you let me be there so I can make a final decision!!
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