Wishes
I remember many things. I have a clear image of the day we became friends. How could I forget it. Before that day I used to feel you rejected me; after all I was an intruder in the boys group. You were so serious that I hardly dared talk to you. But that day at the museum everything was so easy, so different. I guess we forgot about the world around. We talked for hours and laughed like never before. That's how everything started. I discovered a sweet boy trying to hide shyness. I realized that the genius had a big smile that provided his eyes with an amazing brightness.
Later on I could see myself reflected in those eyes, I felt the warm of your hands, I got involved in your smile and knew how important you would be.
But I also remember the mistakes I made. I shouldn't have done what I did. I was wrong. You didn't deserve that. And I always knew it, but didn't know how to put a remedy to it... I loved you, yet I lost you. I wanted to tell everybody to shut up, I wanted to run to you, but it was too late. No matter how hard I tried to make you see I was sorry, you were not there anymore.
One day I found myself looking for you in everybody's faces, in every single place I was at. I needed to share happiness with you. I wanted you to know whenever I was sad. I was eager to hear you say everything would be all right. Most of all, I needed to know if you were doing fine, if your face showed the same calm as ever.
That's how I started writing letters for you. Selfish monologues meant to let you know everything, to tell you all those things I should have said face to face, to ask what I needed to know. I never sent them because I was afraid of two things. First, I was not sure if you lived there; second, I thought you would take me definitely out of your life as soon as you had news from me once again. I chose not to find out.
After several years I found you so suddenly that I couldn't believe it was true. I hesitated, but the moment of facing the past had come to me. I was really happy and I guess you were happy too. Of course we discovered how much we had changed, but it seemed good, it was so pleasant, challenging, and exciting!!
That night when we met for the first time in years, it was great. We got lost in a warm hug. I could have stayed like that forever. Only then I realized how much we had been missing each other. I felt like a little girl. You were much stronger, self-assured, outgoing, even a greater genius than before.
But, as it happens, we got into maddening trouble. It was painful. You took revenge, didn't you? I was broken. I don't know if you were proud, but it seemed so. You know the reason why I reacted like that, I explained everything. You said you were sorry... But something changed. We said many many many things and became friendly enemies.
Now it's been a year since then. We've kept a certain distance, a seemingly cold disdain. But you've said things that make me feel as special as I was in the past. I thought you had forgotten about tenderness, but no, maybe it was the situation we were going through. Your words touch me so because they enclose a meaning, who you are, what you think, how you feel... What you remember. I want you to know that last evening you turned my world upside down. What you said and how you immediately ran away... Ari, just like you, I wish things had been different in the past. And it's also good for me to know you exist. I confess I didn't imagine you thought so; it came as a surprise to me. I thought you couldn't care less. The fact that you've finally told me how you feel about us gives me a certain idea of what has been happening lately. Now I know you've just been cautious, that you haven't fogotten about tenderness, that what you're trying to to do is to avoid suffering from me again. I'm sorry for the way we've hurt each other. And I'm also sorry that right now we both are so vulnerable, brokenhearted and longing for someone else. Being who we are is not easy. Maybe some day we'll find a way... Or maybe not. But I can tell you that I'll be waiting for the eagle to appear in my window.
*I can't send this as a mail. I know how reluctant you are to be aware, and also know you hate giving indirect answers. Besides, there's no need to explain, everything's clear now. Then, if you want to find out, you'll be here reading this. We don't need many words anymore... What we know we know.
*I wish this weren't the worst moment for it to happen. I wish our lives were going through a better phase. I wish I didn't feel like I feel for someone who doesn't care. I wish we could get over those who make us so sad. I wish you could truly forget me. I wish we were able to really trust each other. Beyond all that, I wish we had the strength to fight... That we weren't so weary. But wishing is not enough, is it?
Later on I could see myself reflected in those eyes, I felt the warm of your hands, I got involved in your smile and knew how important you would be.
But I also remember the mistakes I made. I shouldn't have done what I did. I was wrong. You didn't deserve that. And I always knew it, but didn't know how to put a remedy to it... I loved you, yet I lost you. I wanted to tell everybody to shut up, I wanted to run to you, but it was too late. No matter how hard I tried to make you see I was sorry, you were not there anymore.
One day I found myself looking for you in everybody's faces, in every single place I was at. I needed to share happiness with you. I wanted you to know whenever I was sad. I was eager to hear you say everything would be all right. Most of all, I needed to know if you were doing fine, if your face showed the same calm as ever.
That's how I started writing letters for you. Selfish monologues meant to let you know everything, to tell you all those things I should have said face to face, to ask what I needed to know. I never sent them because I was afraid of two things. First, I was not sure if you lived there; second, I thought you would take me definitely out of your life as soon as you had news from me once again. I chose not to find out.
After several years I found you so suddenly that I couldn't believe it was true. I hesitated, but the moment of facing the past had come to me. I was really happy and I guess you were happy too. Of course we discovered how much we had changed, but it seemed good, it was so pleasant, challenging, and exciting!!
That night when we met for the first time in years, it was great. We got lost in a warm hug. I could have stayed like that forever. Only then I realized how much we had been missing each other. I felt like a little girl. You were much stronger, self-assured, outgoing, even a greater genius than before.
But, as it happens, we got into maddening trouble. It was painful. You took revenge, didn't you? I was broken. I don't know if you were proud, but it seemed so. You know the reason why I reacted like that, I explained everything. You said you were sorry... But something changed. We said many many many things and became friendly enemies.
Now it's been a year since then. We've kept a certain distance, a seemingly cold disdain. But you've said things that make me feel as special as I was in the past. I thought you had forgotten about tenderness, but no, maybe it was the situation we were going through. Your words touch me so because they enclose a meaning, who you are, what you think, how you feel... What you remember. I want you to know that last evening you turned my world upside down. What you said and how you immediately ran away... Ari, just like you, I wish things had been different in the past. And it's also good for me to know you exist. I confess I didn't imagine you thought so; it came as a surprise to me. I thought you couldn't care less. The fact that you've finally told me how you feel about us gives me a certain idea of what has been happening lately. Now I know you've just been cautious, that you haven't fogotten about tenderness, that what you're trying to to do is to avoid suffering from me again. I'm sorry for the way we've hurt each other. And I'm also sorry that right now we both are so vulnerable, brokenhearted and longing for someone else. Being who we are is not easy. Maybe some day we'll find a way... Or maybe not. But I can tell you that I'll be waiting for the eagle to appear in my window.
*I can't send this as a mail. I know how reluctant you are to be aware, and also know you hate giving indirect answers. Besides, there's no need to explain, everything's clear now. Then, if you want to find out, you'll be here reading this. We don't need many words anymore... What we know we know.
*I wish this weren't the worst moment for it to happen. I wish our lives were going through a better phase. I wish I didn't feel like I feel for someone who doesn't care. I wish we could get over those who make us so sad. I wish you could truly forget me. I wish we were able to really trust each other. Beyond all that, I wish we had the strength to fight... That we weren't so weary. But wishing is not enough, is it?
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