Drowning

Photo by Angel-Soul on deviantART

This feels like that day at the pool. For some reason friends were trying to cheer me up. I was amused. I didn't see it coming, it was so fast. Water. At first I couldn't see anything, I didn't know what was happening. Then, when I was able to open my eyes, I only saw bubbles, my sight was all blurred. I started fighting, but as soon as my head reached the surface down I went again. It was despairing, the lack of something to hold on to. I could feel my arms moving in all directions and my feet being dragged to the bottom by the weight of my jeans and the heavy boots. There was nothing to hear but my heartbeating. Breathing water was perhaps the worst sensation, till then I had never been conscious of the relief of air filling my lungs. As far as I remember I didn't expect someone to save me, I wasn't thinking clearly, I guess my body was reacting instinctively. Losing control, yes, I hate losing control. And I became exhausted. Of course I didn't want to die, but it seemed I couldn't do anything about it. I think there was no panic anymore, I only said to myself --so this is how it all ends. And stopped fighting. Then he pushed me out. I can't say if I was crying, I don't know. I only wanted to slap him in the face for having rescued me. I hated him for having done so. Why him? His arms were so comforting, yet I had rejected them for so long. I couldn't stand being grateful to someone who loved me and didn't deserve my selfishness. It was unbearable. I don't even remember having said thank you. It's stupid, I was more furious with him than with the girl who had thrown me into the pool (and her idiot jealous reasons). I guess I never talked to him again after that.

Since then my friends and I have made a lot of jokes about that day. It's really funny. But I had not recalled so vividly the anxious feelings, they were locked somewhere in my brain. Hey, wait a minute, I hadn't even shared this with anybody. What the hell is going on with me!!

Well, you see, this is how drowning is and feels like... And you don't necessarily need water to feel like you're drowning.